I told myself last time, I promised myself and I promised him I wouldn't come back here, wouldn't type any more words. I promised. Since he' gone the promise is void anyway right? No point in keeping a promise too myself I made for him, no point in keeping a promise to him when he's discarded me like the worthless nothing I am. I am not guilty for coming back, I've been peeping for these last few months, secretly celebrating others triumphs, feeling sympathy for their downfalls, so even though I was gone...I never really left.
So... Relationship/over, Thighs /huge, Weight/outofcontrol. Now begins the fight, to get back all the part of me I lost when I was with him, and to lose all the pounds that came with getting comfortable with someone again...I'm sick of making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm tired of making mistakes, but most of all I'm tired of looking at this body, and looking at the fat. Because, for the most part, making it wasn't the hideous experience of binges, the shame of over eating, and loathing myself for my lack of self control. It was a night in on the sofa, having a take-away, lying in the arms of the person who loved me, baking brownies because there his favourites and going out for meals for two where calories weren't on my mind.
I'd be a liar to say I don't miss that. Because falling asleep in the arms of someone you love more than anything, that you hope one day will be your husband, who picked you up when you were so broken and made see the world in a new light is wrong, then I don't want to be right. But now the light is gone and the same feelings creep in, the ones that light, hope and happiness push away come back. I am riddled with guilt, shame and hatred to name a few. Rationally I know its not true, but I think, maybe, just maybe, if I had put on this weight then he would of stayed. If I had been a better girlfriend, more accepting, more forgiving, less needy then MAYBE I wouldn't be alone in a flat in London, unable to recognise the person I have become.
Never change for someone you love, because the more you change the further away you are from the person you fell in love with, and you might find yourself writing a blog that no one reads, avoiding looking in a mirror because the person looking back at you isn't the person you thought it was.
CW:143...again. Fml.
