These days have been good days. Woke up this morning, cute guy in my bed, went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and my eyes were bright and I was smiling. I cant remember the last time I felt like this. For the first time in a looong time I caught a glimpse of my stomach muscles. It was flat and I felt good, :)
I realised that that maybe I don't need the last guy or the new guy...any guy for that matter to feel happy. But I'm not going to complain, the attention I've been getting since the ex and I split has been nice, offers for dinner and drinks and nights of dancing. I feel free for the first time. Since I was fifteen I've hopped from one committed relationship to another, been cheated on again and again and now I'm finally getting back in control. I'm taking back what love has stolen from me; my body and peace of mind. So I've been reading this book, love is a thief, and the I'm stealing the idea of taking back what love stole from me. Over the years of being someone's girl I've chipped away at my self, leaving behind pieces trying to make myself fit to another person like a perfect puzzle, but now I'm alone I'm taking it back! I taking back my body; lost through romantic meals and gett8ng comfortable with someone, taking back pole dancing; I gave it up because my ex it was promiscuous, gymnastics/swimming/running; all given up because I would have rather spent that time with another person but now, I'm back. Order of business number one- Half marathon.
Taking back running is a big thing for me, I used to use it to escape from reality for a while, when all you can hear it the sound of your breath and the beat in your ears. I ran 6 miles the other day and I was so proud of myself, for me this was a huge achievement. Not quite 13miles but little by little I'm going to get there. I don't know which charity to run for yet, maybe the children's hospice- any suggestions from the imaginary people that may or may not read this would be much appreciated in the comments :D
Other than the reclaiming myself/going on dates/waking up next to cute guys, I need to start taking university more seriously! After I've got all this rambled little thoughts out my head I need to start my assignment that's due tomorrow, then start my revision for January exams. I let my grades slip towards the end of my relationship and in the period of mourning after it had gone, but I remembered my ambition and that all of this was for a reason. I don't want to wake up in five or ten years time and think that I'm nearly 30, achieved nothing and going no where. I want to be somebody and today is the day I start being that person. I like this quote: “Like a butterfly stuck in a chrysalis, waiting for the perfect moment, I was waiting for the day I could burst forth and fly away and find my home.” . That's me right now. just waiting for my thin little butterfly to be free and to show my colours to the world :)
Laters beauts x
Tuesday 17 December 2013
Thursday 28 November 2013
Like a moth to a flame, soon enough we're drawn back in.
I told myself last time, I promised myself and I promised him I wouldn't come back here, wouldn't type any more words. I promised. Since he' gone the promise is void anyway right? No point in keeping a promise too myself I made for him, no point in keeping a promise to him when he's discarded me like the worthless nothing I am. I am not guilty for coming back, I've been peeping for these last few months, secretly celebrating others triumphs, feeling sympathy for their downfalls, so even though I was gone...I never really left.
So... Relationship/over, Thighs /huge, Weight/outofcontrol. Now begins the fight, to get back all the part of me I lost when I was with him, and to lose all the pounds that came with getting comfortable with someone again...I'm sick of making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm tired of making mistakes, but most of all I'm tired of looking at this body, and looking at the fat. Because, for the most part, making it wasn't the hideous experience of binges, the shame of over eating, and loathing myself for my lack of self control. It was a night in on the sofa, having a take-away, lying in the arms of the person who loved me, baking brownies because there his favourites and going out for meals for two where calories weren't on my mind.
I'd be a liar to say I don't miss that. Because falling asleep in the arms of someone you love more than anything, that you hope one day will be your husband, who picked you up when you were so broken and made see the world in a new light is wrong, then I don't want to be right. But now the light is gone and the same feelings creep in, the ones that light, hope and happiness push away come back. I am riddled with guilt, shame and hatred to name a few. Rationally I know its not true, but I think, maybe, just maybe, if I had put on this weight then he would of stayed. If I had been a better girlfriend, more accepting, more forgiving, less needy then MAYBE I wouldn't be alone in a flat in London, unable to recognise the person I have become.
Never change for someone you love, because the more you change the further away you are from the person you fell in love with, and you might find yourself writing a blog that no one reads, avoiding looking in a mirror because the person looking back at you isn't the person you thought it was.
CW:143...again. Fml.
So... Relationship/over, Thighs /huge, Weight/outofcontrol. Now begins the fight, to get back all the part of me I lost when I was with him, and to lose all the pounds that came with getting comfortable with someone again...I'm sick of making the same mistakes over and over again. I'm tired of making mistakes, but most of all I'm tired of looking at this body, and looking at the fat. Because, for the most part, making it wasn't the hideous experience of binges, the shame of over eating, and loathing myself for my lack of self control. It was a night in on the sofa, having a take-away, lying in the arms of the person who loved me, baking brownies because there his favourites and going out for meals for two where calories weren't on my mind.
I'd be a liar to say I don't miss that. Because falling asleep in the arms of someone you love more than anything, that you hope one day will be your husband, who picked you up when you were so broken and made see the world in a new light is wrong, then I don't want to be right. But now the light is gone and the same feelings creep in, the ones that light, hope and happiness push away come back. I am riddled with guilt, shame and hatred to name a few. Rationally I know its not true, but I think, maybe, just maybe, if I had put on this weight then he would of stayed. If I had been a better girlfriend, more accepting, more forgiving, less needy then MAYBE I wouldn't be alone in a flat in London, unable to recognise the person I have become.
Never change for someone you love, because the more you change the further away you are from the person you fell in love with, and you might find yourself writing a blog that no one reads, avoiding looking in a mirror because the person looking back at you isn't the person you thought it was.
CW:143...again. Fml.
Tuesday 21 May 2013
A new day.
Sometimes I forget that everyday is a new day, everything is better if you sleep on it and it makes it so much easier to move forward. I keep meaning to write this post, but it feels like I spend most of my time asleep. But I'm definately going to finish this and post it before I throw myself into revision.
So the boyfriend had been being weird for like a month now, basically making me feel shit. Then last night he finally talked to me. FINALLY. FOR THE FIRST EVER TIME. He told me that when he was home visiting his family he went to see his ex. I made out like I didn't mind but in all honesty it broke my heart. He told me nothing had happened, and I think I believe that, but I feel betrayed. He said all of this shit of him thinking 'whats the point anymore' and behaving like a complete ass came from when he saw a text a friend of mine sent with a heart thingy <3. I dont undertsand how someone can want to destroy their relationship over a fucking meaningless emoticon. But hell I'm not a man, how could I possibily understand. God I'm reading this and realising how rambly and shit this sounds but atleast its not keeping it inside.
Weight-wise I'm pretty much the same, a little lighter maybe, but I'm only weighing myself when I'm at the gym and my scales are so fecking inaccurate. Last visit I was 139, not too shabby considering I was starting from fucking 149 when I started throwing pointless posts of rambly rubbish (ehhh alliteration) into the deep abyss of blogger.
Better news, I finish my first year of univeristy in two weeks. I cant fucking believe it. I've got three exams to make it through and then I'm done for the summer. I can go home and tell all the people (and believe me there were a few) that I fucking did it. I've decides that when I finish my exams, and it will be two weeks until payday, I'm going to spend the fortnight in the gym (No uni, no exams, no revision= TIME!) then on payday get a tattoo I've wanted for a while. I want to get a dream catcher tattoo I've design on my right side of my ribs. I dont want to go into more detail on its appearance incase I change my mind, but I'm definately going to post a picture as soon as I've got it done. I spent alot of last night reading reccomendations for tattooists and I think I've found my shop, a place in Hammersmith :). So in 4 weeks, I will have finished my first year of univeristy in London, I hope to weigh 127lbs and if I hit that gold, I'm going to celebrate with a beautiful new rib piece.
Laters beauts.
So the boyfriend had been being weird for like a month now, basically making me feel shit. Then last night he finally talked to me. FINALLY. FOR THE FIRST EVER TIME. He told me that when he was home visiting his family he went to see his ex. I made out like I didn't mind but in all honesty it broke my heart. He told me nothing had happened, and I think I believe that, but I feel betrayed. He said all of this shit of him thinking 'whats the point anymore' and behaving like a complete ass came from when he saw a text a friend of mine sent with a heart thingy <3. I dont undertsand how someone can want to destroy their relationship over a fucking meaningless emoticon. But hell I'm not a man, how could I possibily understand. God I'm reading this and realising how rambly and shit this sounds but atleast its not keeping it inside.
Weight-wise I'm pretty much the same, a little lighter maybe, but I'm only weighing myself when I'm at the gym and my scales are so fecking inaccurate. Last visit I was 139, not too shabby considering I was starting from fucking 149 when I started throwing pointless posts of rambly rubbish (ehhh alliteration) into the deep abyss of blogger.
Better news, I finish my first year of univeristy in two weeks. I cant fucking believe it. I've got three exams to make it through and then I'm done for the summer. I can go home and tell all the people (and believe me there were a few) that I fucking did it. I've decides that when I finish my exams, and it will be two weeks until payday, I'm going to spend the fortnight in the gym (No uni, no exams, no revision= TIME!) then on payday get a tattoo I've wanted for a while. I want to get a dream catcher tattoo I've design on my right side of my ribs. I dont want to go into more detail on its appearance incase I change my mind, but I'm definately going to post a picture as soon as I've got it done. I spent alot of last night reading reccomendations for tattooists and I think I've found my shop, a place in Hammersmith :). So in 4 weeks, I will have finished my first year of univeristy in London, I hope to weigh 127lbs and if I hit that gold, I'm going to celebrate with a beautiful new rib piece.
Laters beauts.
Friday 10 May 2013
New heights.
So guys, its been a while. But I'm back, finally. I've missed so much while I've been away and its felt so good to catch up. I'm on the heartbreak diet which is horrendous in the pain required to get there but every cloud has its silver lining in as much as I cant physically swallow food, so I'm existing on Diet coke and Benson and Hedges, with almost nothing else. I just can't do it. For all the times I wished I didn't have that packet of crisps or slice of pizza, now I can't I wish I could, just so I don't have to feel so empty. I don't feel hungry despite any of this. I've got to admit this is totally new for me. Before in life throw some misery my way and I'd throw a bowl of cheesy pasta straight back at it. But people change.
Got my final 3 exams for this first year of university coming up in just under a months time. Needless to say I'm bricking it and I need get my ass of the internet and into my textbooks, but there's always tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself when I write things like this, because I'm almost sure nobody is reading and even if you are (YES YOU!) I'm so sorry I sounds so bloody mopey. I'm sure by next Friday I'll be in a beer garden in Camden with a Vodka lime soda, forgetting any of the shit with the boyfriend ever happened. That or I'll be drowning my sorrows. Also when I stopped feeling depressed in the clinical sense, I cut all of my hair off. I now has a bob. I feel like cutting it off made me able to let go of something. All the time with my ex I grew it because he loved it long, and it was kind of like cutting it off was letting go of that part of my life and all its negativity. However whoever said that short hair is easy, LIARS. I spend about twice the amount of time I did before on my hair just trying to get it to stay down, as I'm blessed with waking up every morning with hair life a fluffy sticky-uppy duckling.
Anyways, I'm off to bed because I have workies tomorrow. But I'll be back #terminator.
Love coming your way if you actually read this drivel I type.
Got my final 3 exams for this first year of university coming up in just under a months time. Needless to say I'm bricking it and I need get my ass of the internet and into my textbooks, but there's always tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself when I write things like this, because I'm almost sure nobody is reading and even if you are (YES YOU!) I'm so sorry I sounds so bloody mopey. I'm sure by next Friday I'll be in a beer garden in Camden with a Vodka lime soda, forgetting any of the shit with the boyfriend ever happened. That or I'll be drowning my sorrows. Also when I stopped feeling depressed in the clinical sense, I cut all of my hair off. I now has a bob. I feel like cutting it off made me able to let go of something. All the time with my ex I grew it because he loved it long, and it was kind of like cutting it off was letting go of that part of my life and all its negativity. However whoever said that short hair is easy, LIARS. I spend about twice the amount of time I did before on my hair just trying to get it to stay down, as I'm blessed with waking up every morning with hair life a fluffy sticky-uppy duckling.
Anyways, I'm off to bed because I have workies tomorrow. But I'll be back #terminator.
Love coming your way if you actually read this drivel I type.
Friday 8 March 2013
I can try, to fix you.
Today has been a good day :) apart from the boyfriend having to stay at work until finish (2am) rather than 6 because there short staffed. When he isn't here it makes me bored and lonely, which leads to aimless staring in the cupboard and the fridge for ages contemplating whether to give into temptation and have a jaffa cake or 6. I settled for 2 and about 40 cups of green tea and some situps so not to bad, as this was the only evil of today. Been pretty prodcutive in my boredom, and this lead to to some extreme hoovering (hoovering whilst miming the terrible song your listening to with exaggerated dance moves- eh its all burning calories right?) and shit ton of ironing.
In other news, I have a goal! I want to have lost 7-10lbs before my birthday which is the first of next month, usually I'd be more specific but I'm waiting on my new scale to arrive rather than the ghastly inaccurate thing I've got at present. I don't want to predict to high either because I'm so sick of failing things at the moment it seems like my life is a big circle of failure :( and i don't need anymore. But anyways my plan is to stick to 750cal on most days and have one cheat day a week, but still no epic binge-fests for next fortnight. After that I'll have a week before my birthday and goal so I'm thinking depending on the numbers a non-carb vegan week, (cant remember if I've mentioned but I'm vegetarian), but still eating little meals so I don't kill my metabolism as its taken me several years to get it ticking over again. And of course getting some exercise in there somewhere, probably using my hardly used gym membership. I hate the gym. Its not the exercise its the people there.
It mainly consists of men (old ugly men) making noises such as eee-eee-arrr-ARRRRGGGHHHH, which in my opinion shouldn't be heard outside of the bedroom, and women with the most beautiful bodies, toned ab's, thigh gaps, the works, done up to the nines (seriously what is this full hair and makeup to the gym when there's not one fit guy there) making me green with envy. Its hard to stay motivated when the human incarnation of beauty is right next to you looking completely composed and your waring your most unattractive grey trackies, red as a lobster gasping for breath and curing the treadmill as the machine sent up from the pits of hell to kill me. But I have to try.
I guess I have nothing else to say so laters beaut's x
In other news, I have a goal! I want to have lost 7-10lbs before my birthday which is the first of next month, usually I'd be more specific but I'm waiting on my new scale to arrive rather than the ghastly inaccurate thing I've got at present. I don't want to predict to high either because I'm so sick of failing things at the moment it seems like my life is a big circle of failure :( and i don't need anymore. But anyways my plan is to stick to 750cal on most days and have one cheat day a week, but still no epic binge-fests for next fortnight. After that I'll have a week before my birthday and goal so I'm thinking depending on the numbers a non-carb vegan week, (cant remember if I've mentioned but I'm vegetarian), but still eating little meals so I don't kill my metabolism as its taken me several years to get it ticking over again. And of course getting some exercise in there somewhere, probably using my hardly used gym membership. I hate the gym. Its not the exercise its the people there.
It mainly consists of men (old ugly men) making noises such as eee-eee-arrr-ARRRRGGGHHHH, which in my opinion shouldn't be heard outside of the bedroom, and women with the most beautiful bodies, toned ab's, thigh gaps, the works, done up to the nines (seriously what is this full hair and makeup to the gym when there's not one fit guy there) making me green with envy. Its hard to stay motivated when the human incarnation of beauty is right next to you looking completely composed and your waring your most unattractive grey trackies, red as a lobster gasping for breath and curing the treadmill as the machine sent up from the pits of hell to kill me. But I have to try.
I guess I have nothing else to say so laters beaut's x
Thursday 7 March 2013
If there's anybody out there?
Anybody reading this has probably stumbled upon this rambling little entry by mistake, but since your here then your welcome to continue reading. I'm not much of a blogger anymore, more of a reader of blog's, but lets give this ago.
I think its fair to say that in the past my commitment to reaching that UGW has wavered, and the weight creeps back, but once it gets back the voice inside my head starts counting calories, asking if I need that last bite. For sometime I've felt trapped by this voice, and I've spent a lot of time trying to rid myself of her and the misery she brings me. But this, for me, is the final time. I have a goal. Not to be taken over by feelings of obsessive misery. I just want control. I want the thigh gap. I want my bikini body. I want to see my beautiful bones. I want to reach 8.7stone.
So.. that's pretty short, and I guess its given you an insight. Now I'm going to try and get there, with some serious motivational music, some kickass blogs and I'm not going to get sucked into the spiral I ended up in a few years ago when I was blogging on a blog which is now removed.
Stats:
HW: 182lb (13st)
LW: 128.8lb (9st 2lb)
CW: 140issssh (vom) , my scales seriously need a new battery which I'll be getting later on today
GW: 120-123lb
Height, I feel is important to mention, and I'm approximately 5'10 and I wear (currently) a UK size 10.
Until next time, heres some motivation for you beauties :)
I think its fair to say that in the past my commitment to reaching that UGW has wavered, and the weight creeps back, but once it gets back the voice inside my head starts counting calories, asking if I need that last bite. For sometime I've felt trapped by this voice, and I've spent a lot of time trying to rid myself of her and the misery she brings me. But this, for me, is the final time. I have a goal. Not to be taken over by feelings of obsessive misery. I just want control. I want the thigh gap. I want my bikini body. I want to see my beautiful bones. I want to reach 8.7stone.
So.. that's pretty short, and I guess its given you an insight. Now I'm going to try and get there, with some serious motivational music, some kickass blogs and I'm not going to get sucked into the spiral I ended up in a few years ago when I was blogging on a blog which is now removed.
Stats:
HW: 182lb (13st)
LW: 128.8lb (9st 2lb)
CW: 140issssh (vom) , my scales seriously need a new battery which I'll be getting later on today
GW: 120-123lb
Height, I feel is important to mention, and I'm approximately 5'10 and I wear (currently) a UK size 10.
Until next time, heres some motivation for you beauties :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)